Originally written regarding the next town over when we lived in Washington state, I think this applies to lots of places today, regardless of geographical location. The names have been changed to allow unlimited application to, and broad indictment of, “those” folks wherever you call home. Enjoy! -MC
As we head into the final days of the mayoral race, it strikes me that neither candidate really “gets it.” Obviously, they are both severely out of touch with their constituencies, and I fear we are in for another 4 years of “same ole’, same ole’” regardless of who gets elected.
This is why – after mere moments of brief and shallow consideration – I have decided to throw my hat into the ring for mayor (never minding the fact that I don’t live in the city limits and haven’t filed to run). Believing that the efficacy of the two party system has long since passed its prime, I am forming a new party: The Facebook Narcissist Party (FNP).
Here at the FNP, our mission is simple: To make every citizen of our town feel as though they are the center of the universe, and only their opinion (and no one else’s) matters, regardless of the issue.
It’s time we get over this sense of community and doing what’s best for the citizens at large and drill down to what is critically important to you, the voter. Listening to the voice of the people is so 20th century. It’s time we politicians get with the program and put each and every one of your individual wants, needs, and desires first, above any other single consideration.
In keeping with our goals and objectives, I lay out our 5 point plan:
- Law Enforcement: We’re going to quadruple the Police Department in order to staff the following, newly formed departments:
- Traffic Tattletales – tracking down every speeding and reckless driver whose photo is posted or license plate is reported on public FB groups.
- Poop Patrol – Identifying the source of every dog, cat, horse, and other fecal matter discovered on any private property, public sidewalk, or public street and prosecuting the owner to the fullest extent of the law.
- Sensitivity Squad – Identifying and arresting every person who acts or make statements that can be construed by any citizen anywhere as even remotely offensive, shocking, uncomfortable, distasteful, or just plain disagreeable. Hauling open truck beds of taxidermy around town in plain sight of impressionable children, flipping birds at walkers and drivers, and shouting anything unkind or uncouth at anyone anywhere will NOT be tolerated, despite what the Constitution says.
- Noise Nazis – Shutting down any activity (concert, festival, free movie, or celebration in the park; 4th of July fireworks; hunting or gun range activities) that may cause you – the individual – to miss a moment’s sleep or give you even a single moment of annoyance, discomfort, or irritation. (Besides, we can’t have a political discussion these days without using the words “Nazi,” “fascism or fascist,” or “Hitler.” FNP didn’t want to be left out).
- Business Development: We’re going to pass laws requiring every commercial property owner to rent their vacant property immediately or face stiff financial penalties. Furthermore, every local business owner will be required to stay open 24/7 to be available to serve you at any given moment of the day or night.
- Utilities: We’ve decided that requiring you to pay your water bill in full and on time represents an undo hardship on the citizens, and we fully realize it could be considered to be a serious inconvenience or annoyance to you. Therefore, we’re going to introduce the “pay whenever and whatever makes you feel comfortable” collection system.
- Community Service – Recognizing that we are a friendly community whose citizens should be all about meeting each other’s needs, we’re going to make it illegal for anyone to drive past anyone pulled over to the side of the road without stopping to inquire if they may need assistance.
- Blue Ribbon Commission – We’re going to formulate a Blue Ribbon Commission whose sole responsibility will be to hear your wants, needs, and desires and present recommendations to myself and the City Council on how best to immediately give you what you want.
We at the Facebook Narcissist Party appreciate your vote on November 5, in the Mayoral Election, because at FNP, the most important thing in town is you.