We’ve been up to our eyeballs in various repair, remodeling, restoration, and reassembly projects of late, and this means that I’ve spent more than my fair share of time on the fasteners aisles of our local hardware store, the lumber company and “everything” store in New Meadows, and – yes, of course – Home Depot in Ontario (Oregon, not Canada). For those of you who are hardware store virgins, fasteners are that broad category of mystery commonly known as nuts and bolts and screws and the like – those highly technical and ridiculously complex items that “fasten” it all together.
Now, I know some of you more estrogen-endowed individuals are going to bristle at this assertion, but I trust that after a few calls and texts to girlfriends, Facebook shares with comments of outrage, and a few morsels of your favorite chocolate, you’ll get over it. After many hours of my childhood accompanying my daddy through the highways and byways of untold myriads of fastener-selling establishments, and now with my husband on similar journeys, I am of the opinion that fasteners and the protocol and – dare I say etiquette – of their acquisition are like backing up a vehicle with trailer attached –only come naturally to those members of the species with a penis.
The fasteners aisle is quite often one of the longest aisles in the store, and it is lined on both sides with little bins or trays of individual pieces up high, down low, and everywhere in between as far as the eye can see.
First, we’ll start with nails. No Ladies, I’m not discussing acrylic nails or manicures, these are the metal objects struck on the head with some kind of hammer-like tool or shot with compressed air into their target. A nail is a nail, right? Oh contraire…not so, not so.
We’ll start with size (because, let’s face it, despite what Oprah would lead you to believe, size does matter). Nail length is measured in “pennies” and the symbol for the penny is the letter “d.” Though I didn’t find this stated directly, my powers of deduction would lead me to understand that a penny is essentially a quarter inch of length – a pattern which appears to hold true for a while after a 2D (2-penny) nail, which measures one inch in length. A 3D (3-penny) nail is 1.25” long; a 4D (4-penny) nail is 1.5” long; a 5d is 1.75” long; and a 6d nail is 2” in length. An 8d appears to follow our pattern at 2.5” in length; however, a 12d nail is 3.25” long, and a 16d (16-penny) nail is 3.5” long, so this shoots my .25”-per-penny deduction all to hell. No one agrees on the “how” and “why” of the penny reference other than it dates back to 15th century England and the use of “d” to denote the penny is a reference to Rome’s penny, the denarius — which meant penny or pence. If you were raised Southern Baptist, you’ll understand the concept of “but we’ve always done it this way,” and this is the best explanation for nail sizing in your local hardware store fasteners aisle, though this essentially only applies to the loose nails sold individually or by the box. With the advent of air compressors and nail guns, more often than not any large job requiring a fair quantity of nails finds the nails being packaged in strips or coils that fit into and feed through some kind of “gun” or nailer that fits onto a compressed air hose. These tools are probably called guns, because the user needs only pull a trigger of sorts to “shoot” the nail into the target surface, and it is done with minimal pressure and with great speed, but I am getting ahead of myself.
According to Bob Vila (is he still alive? What is he, like 80 now?), there are 11 most common types of nails: common nails (1”-6” – or 2d to 60d); box nails (similar to common nails, but thinner; measure 1” to 3.5” in length); finishing nails (when the head of the nail will show in the finished project, such as molding – 1”-4” long); casing nails; the brads; roofing nails; masonry nails; cut flooring nails; spiral flooring nails; annular ring nails; duplex nails; and “other.”
Confused yet? And these are just the nails. Then there are the bolts, screws, and nuts.
Carriage bolts and lag bolts; deck screws and drywall screws; hex and Phillips heads; wingnuts and locking nuts; washers of all kinds. The choices and variations go on and on, and just like every outfit in the closet of your average fasionista has that perfect pair of matching shoes, every DIY job has that “only-this-fastener-will-do” counterpart.
Then, the big question? “Do we need galvanized?” Essentially, galvanized fasteners don’t rust (or rust more slowly) than their non-galvanized counterparts.
And, lest you think we’ve finally hit on that sweet spot of fastener simplicity, think again. There is “galvanized” and then there is “galvanized.” Galvanization is essentially the process of coating steel with zinc particles, but needless to say there is more than one way to skin a cat, and of course, each method has their purposes, champions, and detractors. Zinc electroplated, hot-dipped galvanized, and even double hot-dip galvanized are all terms you’ll hear/see bandied about the fastener aisle.
While I realize this is serious business, gotta say that as a member of the species that does NOT possess a penis, I find the entire language of fasteners to be more than a little humorous with much reference to length, heads, shafts, and nuts. Just sayin’… Thankfully, though, I’ve never heard any man in my lifetime sphere of male encounters ever describe Mr. Happy in terms of pennies. Coming to a romance novel near you? “And she gloried in his 80-penny manhood…” Kind of doubt that will catch on, but it could happen.
Now, let’s talk Miss Manners of the fastener aisle. The big box stores have departed from the tried and true methodology of old, but just about everywhere else, this is how it’s done. For those jobs that require “eaches” of “fill-in-the-blank” fastener, the experience goes something like this. After locating the general area of the fasteners aisle desired, the shopper then spends much time in contemplative meditation to ascertain the exact size, head style, galvanized or not galvanized, washer or no washer, and the like. There is very little conversation on the fasteners aisle, and any discussion that does take place is undertaken in hushed, reverent tones, lest someone’s thought process and fastener count is interrupted. Once the “holy spirit of hardware” has spoken in that “still small voice,” the final selection is made. The individual “eaches” are meticulously counted out and then placed in a little plastic bag made available by the retailer. Once the fasteners have been placed in the bag, the shopper then takes a pen – sometimes provided, sometimes not – and writes the quantity and the price from the sticker affixed to the little bin from which the fasteners were obtained.
How any shopper is supposed to know how this works is beyond me. Though I’ve visited many, many fasteners aisles in my 52 years, I’ve never once encounter the fastener aisle docent, spiritual guide, or sales clerk who has explained the process which leads me to ask if this, too, is imprinted onto the Y chromosome. Hard to say. This may well be one of those questions to add to my “when I get to heaven” list of questions for God, right behind, “Are Elvis and Hank Williams, Sr., here?”
If you’re one of those people who believes there is no difference between men and women, then you’ll no doubt find this all rather disturbing. On the other hand, if you’re a woman and walk in the reality that we are, in fact, very different from the male of the species, then take heart. The next time the man in your life makes fun of you for your lack of knowledge about the fasteners aisle, you can just smile to yourself, making sure his next trip to the grocery store for milk and bread includes a trip down the feminine hygiene aisle.